About the Author
Pep's reaction when he heard we were going to interview him.Yes, you read the title right. Much like Fernando Trueba's conversation with Pep about the future, we decided to have a conversation with Pep as well after the opening of the new La Masia. We hope you enjoy the fruits of more than a year of investigative journalism as we come up with ground-breaking questions (if we may say so ourselves). Read on!
Us: Thank you Mr. Guardiola, for your time!
G: You're welcome! Is the interview over?
Us: No no, we are just thanking you in advance. Tell us, Mr. G, did you foresee the result of the Sevilla game?
G: No. I foresaw most of it, like being 0-0 till ET. But then, in my visions, Leo converted the penalty. Oh well.
Us: Oh! That's still rather remarkable! Were you upset?
G: No, these things happen. For example, in the game against AC Milan, I thought I'd skip mentally planning the first and last minute to save a wee bit of time, and see what happened!
Us: That's rough! Sometimes it's like the universe is conspiring against this team!
G: No, that would be Jose Mourinho's team.
Us: Yes, of course. Do you ever use your vision to see what Mr. Mourinho's next complaint is going to be?
G: No.
Us: Okay, right. Moving on to the meat of this interview. Is it true that La Masia is a mutant school for kids with genetically mutated X chromosome that results in advanced tiki taka skills (also known as the Barca gene) which they're taught to control and apply on the football field?
G. Hogwash.
Us: Sir, we are not going to be distracted by mentions of Hogwarts and Harry Potter when we are talking about X Men.
G: Not Hogwarts. Hogwash.
Us: Oh. Do you deny that you use the Cerebro to locate kids suitable for La Masia from all over the world? And then bring them together to protect them from humans who attempt to teach them anti-football?
G: Yes, I deny it. And you're beginning to sound like Xavi.
Us: Talking of Xavi, when did you discover he could see off the back of his head?
G: Xavi can see off the back of his head?
Us: Yes, that's what our research tells us. We'd be happy to share the videos if you like.
G: No thank you. Listen, are you okay? Did you hit your head somewhere on the way to this interview? I can call the doctor if you want.
Us: Would that be the same secret doctor who resides in La Masia underground labs and who diagnosed Iniesta with shape-shifting properties?
G: Eh?
Us: Come on, Mr. G, next you'll be denying that Leo Messi has been able to talk to footballs since birth! We've always wanted to know, what is Cesc's special ability?
G: Erm...the ability to carry off really bad hair?
Us: Haha, no really. One final question, Mr. Guardiola, Is "Oooh Moc Moc" the password to the Masia underground labs?
G: SECURITY!
Us: Don't worry, Professor X, we won't tell the humans.
G: I'd advise you to write a novel, but it doesn't matter. The world is probably ending tomorrow anyway.
(One security guard comes strolling in)
newspapers, we just...er...made it all up. Since fake interviews, news and rumors aren't really that different from real ones in terms of credibility these days, please feel free to spread the word around about Barca players housing mutant DNAs.
Us: Thank you Mr. Guardiola, for your time!
G: You're welcome! Is the interview over?
Us: No no, we are just thanking you in advance. Tell us, Mr. G, did you foresee the result of the Sevilla game?
G: No. I foresaw most of it, like being 0-0 till ET. But then, in my visions, Leo converted the penalty. Oh well.
Us: Oh! That's still rather remarkable! Were you upset?
G: No, these things happen. For example, in the game against AC Milan, I thought I'd skip mentally planning the first and last minute to save a wee bit of time, and see what happened!
Us: That's rough! Sometimes it's like the universe is conspiring against this team!
G: No, that would be Jose Mourinho's team.
Us: Yes, of course. Do you ever use your vision to see what Mr. Mourinho's next complaint is going to be?
G: No.
Us: Okay, right. Moving on to the meat of this interview. Is it true that La Masia is a mutant school for kids with genetically mutated X chromosome that results in advanced tiki taka skills (also known as the Barca gene) which they're taught to control and apply on the football field?
G. Hogwash.
Us: Sir, we are not going to be distracted by mentions of Hogwarts and Harry Potter when we are talking about X Men.
G: Not Hogwarts. Hogwash.
Us: Oh. Do you deny that you use the Cerebro to locate kids suitable for La Masia from all over the world? And then bring them together to protect them from humans who attempt to teach them anti-football?
G: Yes, I deny it. And you're beginning to sound like Xavi.
Us: Talking of Xavi, when did you discover he could see off the back of his head?
G: Xavi can see off the back of his head?
Us: Yes, that's what our research tells us. We'd be happy to share the videos if you like.
G: No thank you. Listen, are you okay? Did you hit your head somewhere on the way to this interview? I can call the doctor if you want.
Us: Would that be the same secret doctor who resides in La Masia underground labs and who diagnosed Iniesta with shape-shifting properties?
G: Eh?
Us: Come on, Mr. G, next you'll be denying that Leo Messi has been able to talk to footballs since birth! We've always wanted to know, what is Cesc's special ability?
G: Erm...the ability to carry off really bad hair?
Us: Haha, no really. One final question, Mr. Guardiola, Is "Oooh Moc Moc" the password to the Masia underground labs?
G: SECURITY!
Us: Don't worry, Professor X, we won't tell the humans.
G: I'd advise you to write a novel, but it doesn't matter. The world is probably ending tomorrow anyway.
(One security guard comes strolling in)
So that was that. We weren't able to gather more details as we were getting uncomfortably close to the truth (we suppose), but maybe some other time. You're all welcome.
Disclaimer: As is obvious, in the same true enterprising manner displayed by English
tabloidsnewspapers, we just...er...made it all up. Since fake interviews, news and rumors aren't really that different from real ones in terms of credibility these days, please feel free to spread the word around about Barca players housing mutant DNAs.
